Tru[d]th, Not Shells

and another thank you, Lord,

Thu, 16 May 2013 01:22:28 -0400

and another, and another,

for gifts we do not even ask for.

today was a special and amazing day. thank you so much.

love,

undeserving and amazed me

yep. that is what happened.

Tue, 14 May 2013 20:54:36 -0400

yep. that is what happened.

"I had a professor one time [who] said, “Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach..."

Sat, 11 May 2013 21:16:28 -0400

“I had a professor one time [who] said, “Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this — that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and he has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself.””

- Rich Mullins

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. It is a..."

Sat, 11 May 2013 20:15:00 -0400

““Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. It is a choice based on the knowledge that we belong to God and have found in God our refuge and our safety and that nothing, not even death, can take God away from us.””

- Henri Nouwen

sometimes i wonder, Lord,

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:00:43 -0400

who i even am.

am i …

a corporate lawyer?

a friend to certain others?

a young maiden? (ha)

a girly girl who likes beautiful things?

a person who wants to be seen, noticed, recognized?

and yes. i know that the theological answers say: none of the above even approach your eternally rooted identity.

lately i feel as though my heart is at war with itself. and for stretches of the day it just lays there in an utterly exhausted stalemate until the next wave of bombs and gunfire and fury.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

matthew 6:21

i learn and i relearn and i relearn what He meant when He said this.

and if

Fri, 03 May 2013 10:28:00 -0400

… and if I perish, I perish.

Esther 4:16

have not written in a while!

to always say

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 09:36:16 -0400

But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The Lord is great!”

⁵But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    come quickly to me, O God.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    Lord, do not delay.

(psam 70)

must proclaim

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 10:21:00 -0400

work is hard sometimes.

work is really hard sometimes.

it is 50% i-see-the-good-in-it and 50% hard/potentially embittering and spirit-crushing and makes-me-feel-like-i-am-just-a-terrible-low-and-down-thingggg, i would say.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 corinthians 12:9

so counter to everything we are taught here. what do these words truly mean, Lord?

i need you more than ever all the time.

i think that watching this over the course of the past couple of...

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 11:28:45 -0400

i think that watching this over the course of the past couple of days has changed my life.

this is so strange.

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:50:00 -0400

i am at work and it is the most stressful crazy morning ever.

but … i am having fun.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUH?!!!!!

OH MAH GOODNESS WHAT IS HAAAAAAAAAAPPENING……………?

While we were still weak, at the right time Christ

died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a

righteous person—though perhaps for a good person

one would dare even to die—but God shows his

love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ

died for us.

(Romans 5:6–8)

your grace abounds to me.

that old p word.

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 17:15:00 -0400

pride! bleh… pride.

there are really only three reactions that i have to watching any dance video:

1) S.S.S. - this stands for Secret Smug Satisfaction. smug because i believe that the choreography is not very good; i could have done better; i could have choreographed better; i wonder what gives this person such confidence as to enable them to post this in public, as a reflection of their best, as a work product, as a … thisisme statement. satisfied because i feel good knowing that i’m “better than” this dancer at least. secret because all of the thoughts and emotions above are just really damn ugly.

<self-preserving disclaimer: S.S.S. typically comprises < 6% of instances of my reactions because i rarely find, nor do i seek to find, dancers on youtube who are “worse” than me.>

2) Jealousy - this one’s easy. the dancer is better than me, hotter than me, more talented than me in all respects, and i grow uncomfortable. i can’t tear my eyes away from this person because she is so hot and so good and the combination is near mesmerizing. so i sit there, paralyzed, because i cannot stop admiring them while envying them while wishing i were so much more than i am and simultaneously fatiguing myself as i chew and rechew the realization that i will never be that good and never be that hot. i stew.

3) Joy - i recognize the sublime. and it is easy because who ever has a choice when they are being swept away? i hold my breath (involuntarily, obviously) and my face breaks into great wobbly smiles because i cannot believe that there exists such beauty and intelligence and lightness and finesse in this world, but all in one person, as her bodymindemotion moves and moves and moves. and we get to see! and seeing makes me joyful because it is beautiful to me, and it does nothing for me in my personal life, or my career, or my well-being, per se, it is not helpful to me in any practical way, it does not add anything to my ability or skillset and it is … technically … useless. but it lifts me up for as long as it is being seen (by me) and i guess it’s because i’m just happy that it’s there, in existence, and knowing that it’s there, and seeing what it is…. touches me. the fact that it is what it is and it is beautiful, makes me HAPPY! no, SO HAPPY.

that is all. there i said it. in reverse order: the good, the bad, and the damn ugly.

a quick shout out before i get ready.

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 18:27:37 -0400

… and all the while, i am learning that there is joy in obedience.

i love you, Lord. you are my redeemer. Jesus, you are the Lord of my sinfulness and you are my redeemer. i love you.

and that is why the past still mystifies, touches, sometimes shoves, and demands of us.

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 20:40:43 -0400

“

The past is beautiful because one never realizes an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don’t have complete emotions about the present, only about the past … . That is why we dwell on the past, I think.

“

- V. Woolf

. I know you want to sing. See. I love to sing. Nothing...

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 20:31:00 -0400

I know you want to sing. See. I love to sing. Nothing makes me happier. I either wanted to be a singer or the head of the Ice Capades. Hey. Do you know who the Ice Capades are? Don’t roll your eyes. They were very cool.

I went to my mother who gave me this book…called Letters to a Young Poet. Rainer Maria Rilke. He’s a fabulous writer. A fellow used to write to him and say: ”I want to be a writer. Please read my stuff.” And Rilke says to this guy: ”Don’t ask me about being a writer. lf when you wake up in the morning you can think of nothing but writing … then you’re a writer.”

I’m gonna saythe same thing to you. If you wake up in the mornin’ and you can’t think of anything but singin’ first … then you’re supposed to be a singer.

i periodically recount this scene and it tugs.

word to the wise

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 15:34:11 -0400

note that i just wrote to a person a few minutes ago.

dear m,

At work right now. I was about to submit a big set of pleadings to the same girl who got very upset at me last time but I decided to double check my work just in case.

Thank the Lord that I did! I think I found more than several gigantic errors in half of the docs. I get scared just thinking about what would have happened if I hadn’t forced myself to just go through the procedure of checking twice.

Wanted to thank you and share with you that victory/huge showing of the Lord’s grace today. felt like i was co-laboring with the Lord in the office! and kept saying “whew” and “oh my GOSH” with every mistake i found.

….. you have saved me like whoa today, Lord. you are disciplining me and teaching me here. i am learning. thank you.

redux: java jolt joy

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 10:49:12 -0400

today at work, that coffee thing quite saved me.

trubilee:

oh my goodness coffee is amazing. what CLARITY! and physical DRIVE! i know it’s not an ideal relationship, human body+coffee, but at this finals-approaching time in my life, i do believe it was God’s little superpresent to me.

sunny and chilly outside my window.

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 10:05:33 -0400

glad to be at work today, and glad to have a job.

i want to be alwayscurious. alwaysgrateful.

at this

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 10:33:07 -0400

“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”

At this I awoke and looked around. My sleep had been pleasant to me.

- jeremiah 31: 25-26

i love waking up with no alarm clock. thank you, Lord!

i want to wait upon you. i want to want to wait upon you!!!!!!

JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 17:59:50 -0400

beaming.

XoD

thank you, Lord!!!!

justice. JUSTICE!!!!! JUSTICE……

<3 sour cherry pie <3

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 12:39:44 -0400

truthnotshells:

pitted sour cherries + almond extract + kuzu root (as a thickener) + brown sugar + oats + almond flour + cinnamon & nutmeg & cloves + sour cherry juice. simple as that!